How to not redesign your life according to someone else’s terms

One of the peculiarities of modernity is the questioning of the norms that are into force in a society. And at least to my understanding, there are multiple “modern times” coming back every now and then. Those waves of modernity are often the result of technological advances that make humankind less susceptible to the environment, thus making societal norms and customs obsolete. Plenty of cultural movements started this way. The Reformation was the result of the spread of ideas made possible thanks to the invention of the printing machine. The Italian cultural movement of Futurism advocating for dynamism was the result of increased mobility stemming from the development of railroads, trains and a more productive industrial complex. Liberation of women and a broad acceptance of feministic values outside the wealthiest population came after the invention of the pill and the washing machine.

And how about right now? Are we living another phase of modernity? And if we do, what are we questioning?

Just by scrolling through social media (unfortunately, one of my favorite places to be), one gets the impression that we’re definitely in one of those phases. Most of the posts that are displayed on my feed states things like: “define success according to your own terms”, “get rid of the 9-to-5 job”, “how to set strong boundaries and be your own boss”, “live your life following your own values”. Clearly, we’re questioning something. And to me, it seems that this precise wave of modernity is questioning how life should be lived altogether. Career, relationship, what it means to thrive and flourish, you name it. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that sociologists are already studying it. And maybe referring to it as the “Design living” cultural movement, or another catchy term that would make for a good hashtag. And what would be then the technology that brought up this “cultural movement”? I hate to say it, but in my opinion that’s Instagram, which is nothing but a digitized printing machine for visual content.

Instagram allows us to constantly peek into strangers’ daily routine, especially of those folks who did manage to design their life in an exotic manner. The proximity with fancy lifestyles has made us believe that us too can redesign our own lives and turn them into something unique and remarkable… according to “our own terms”. But how can one decide what are his/her own new terms? Cause if we reject the previous norms we must come up with new ones. Unfortunately, unlike Reformation, Futurism and Feminism, there is no clear manifesto hung on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, or published in Le Figaro, or written in “The Second Sex” articulating what the new norms are. The very nature of Design Living (yeah, I decided to stick to this term) entails exactly this: we are responsible to find out what works for us.

Certainly, redefining one’s life is not an easy task. What if you pick the wrong terms and end up miserable? Or, even worse: what if you get so frustrated that you decide in the end to bounce back to the previous society’s terms? To every problem there is a solution, and Instagram knows that. That is why the social media’s algorithm makes you stumble upon a whole cohort of new professionals whose mission is to help people select those terms and aid during the re-design phase. These professionals call themselves life coaches, and the industry is named self-help. And yep, the very feed I was mentioning above, hinting that we all shall redefine our lives, comes usually from life coaches. Cause they know too well that before being paid to help you solve a problem, you’d better realize that you have one.

The self-help industry is an umbrella term for there are many areas which you might need help with. That is why, depending on your needs, you might want to hire a business coach, a meditation coach, a relationship coach, a style coach, a dating coach, a financial coach, a fitness coach… On the other hand, if you’re so stuck that you don’t know what area of your life to design, then a general life coach is probably the best choice. The self-help industry started somewhere around the 80s and was spread at first through printed paper, namely self-help books, making life coaches more similar to Martin Luther than they realized. Afterwards, through digitization, social media (mainly Instagram and YouTube) were added to the regular communication means. I read a lot of self-help books and watched hundreds of videos back when I was doing my PhD. I even had a coach for a few months, as this was an initiative supported by the university. However, I never really considered the self-help industry as a phenomenon existing outside of the digital and printed world where I normally live in. On the contrary, it took me completely by surprise to discover that more and more acquaintances (I mean, people in the real world) are or want to become life coaches.

The first time I heard someone saying that she wanted to become a coach it was at a fancy yoga & wine event by the lake last summer. These events are normally populated by women, with whom I hope to entertain myself with interesting conversations about philosophical topics… or about luxury handbags. Instead, a woman who didn’t look like a philosophical creature nor a handbag lover sat down next to me. In her mid-50s, obese, with a short haircut that should have been trimmed five weeks prior. She was wearing black mid-calf bootcut jogging pants that were fashionable in the DVDs of at-home workouts in the early 2000s and a baggy sleeveless light-blue tank top displaying all the shaky fat around her arms. She must have also worn the wrong bra too because I couldn’t tell where her breast would end, and her belly would begin. However, what I could tell was that, according to her look, the conversation that night would have gravitated around menopause and her dogs.

Instead, she told me that, during Covid, she retired and went back to study… “And what did you study?” I asked almost with a broken voice because I felt ashamed for judging her too fast and only from her appearance. “I took an online certification to become a life coach”, she answered full of excitement. She went on detailing the curriculum of the certification. Personal development, confidence, time management, psychology of money, how to change your career. She even took extra classes to become a stylist and match the color palette of clothes with the “season” a person belongs to. And, according to her, this last certification was to capitalize on her inherent ability to create nice outfits for her and her friends and family. I was speechless. She was wearing mid-calf trousers. Mid-calf trousers! They scream “I know nothing about fashion” louder than an ambulance. How come she thought she could be a stylist or a coach? I ended my evening drawing all my disbelief in a couple of glasses of strong wine and told myself that that was the last time I took part in such events.

Another time I met in a bar a woman who started her coaching activities while unemployed. She targeted women with lack of confidence, who are burnout and want to make a turn in their career. She asked me if I lacked confidence, to which I replied that I didn’t think so. Then she asked me if I was burnt out, to which I replied I was good. Then she asked me if I wanted to make a career change, to which I replied I had just been promoted to manager. At that point I was expecting she would ask if I was a woman, but instead she offered me some LSD, which I kindly declined. And then to have sex with her, which I kindly declined as well. And to go to her apartment, sniff cocaine and then have sex her two flat mates, which I declined again. Kindly.

Then it was the turn of my beautician who, while waxing me, stated that she added coaching services to her regular list of treatments. She was particularly proud of her morning routine service, where she teaches people how to set meaningful rituals upon waking up. She was taught that by another life coach and now she wanted to teach morning routines herself. Afterwards, it was the turn of a friend of mine who struggled to manage her credit card expenses. And this time she thought about becoming a financial coach herself even before finishing the online course on personal finances she was attending. And, most importantly, even before fixing her credit card debt.

The last time that people told me they wanted to become coaches it was a collective coming out. And I should have expected it, since it was during a workshop named “Design your own life” (another instance of the “Design living” cultural movement I can say now). I attended this workshop at the beginning of the year with the intention to find time to revamp my German. Naive me thought that “design your own life” was a bit an overkill for a workshop title and that also all the other participants were there to find time for something else than just living on autopilot. Well, I was wrong. Very wrong. When the final part of the workshop came and each one of us had to discuss their “design”, it struck me to hear so many people willing to completely steer their lives. A girl wanted to become a meditation coach and a bestselling author and public speaker in that sector. Just like her own meditation coach. Another one wanted to completely change career… by becoming a career coach and help others change their own careers. Another one wanted to open a studio for alternative energy treatments and coach people on how to find their emotional balance.

And then my turn came, and I had to say that I wanted to have a B2 in German. “Are you planning to move to Zurich?” asked one of the attendees. Nope. “Do you need it for your job?”. Not really. “Do you want to change career and in this new career German is required?”. Mmmmmh, nope. “Do you want to become a German coach?”. Absolutely not. “And why do you learn German?”. My face became red and puffy, ready to explode. That evening I contained myself but rushed home as soon as the workshop ended to avoid any risk. And to avoid being asked if I wanted to be coached in meditation, alternative energy, or in improving my career.

To decompress from the overwhelming workshop, that night I made myself a strong tisane and painted my nails while waiting for the infusion time. It was while inhaling the toxic smell of the nail polish that I started to recognize a few patters that completely escaped me until that very moment. All these people being stuck, feeling the need to redefine their lives, seeking help and get somehow unstuck. Then becoming eager to make in turn a career out of getting other people unstuck and form a new generation of life coaches... In that very moment the epiphany hit me as strong as the first sip of the tisane that I just had. It was a Ponzi scheme!

Back in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s companies such as Avon, Tupperware and Herbalife made people (in particular women) believe that by becoming their ambassadors (or representants) they could make a living out of selling cosmetics, plastic boxes and supplements to their friends. Instead, these brands were pyramidal Ponzi scheme businesses that only paid small commissions on sold items and that forced the ambassadors to recruit even more ambassadors to sustain the pyramid. Just like the life coach domino effect that was unfolding under my eyes. While waiting for my nail polish to dry, I checked the “Career page” of Avon, Tupperware and Herbalife’s websites. I was shocked to discover that “confidence, personal growth, control over living your best life” and “work according to your own needs and time schedule” were the sentences used to convince people to become representants. The same wording used in what I thought was the “Design Living” cultural movement. Which turned out to never be a cultural movement! It had in fact always been the marketing machine of a business scam named self-help industry.

I finished my tisane that night wondering if it was for coincidence or, rather, necessity that people questioning society’s norm end up being trapped in a scam. And why people who seem bold enough to define their life’s terms are precisely the segment of population the pyramid businesses regard as weak and make for their perfect prey. And if these modernity waves work only if they question a very specific portion of society’s norm, else they make people crumble for the overwhelm of having too many parameters to renegotiate. One thing at least became clear to me that night. That if I ever decided to revamp my career, giving how easily I had mistaken a marketing strategy for a cultural movement, sociology was completely off the table for me.

Breaking Thirty Quote

Now I’d love to hear from you. Are you at a pivotal moment in your career? Would you like to steer it? And have you ever been approached by one of these businesses making money out of multi-level marketing and pyramid strategies to become their ambassador? Let me know in the comment below and subscribe the the Breaking Thirty Newsletter for more posts like this one.

How to not redesign your life according to someone else’s terms

Political coherence or sexual decohrence, that is the question

The four events that should have happened during my trip to Thailand but in the end haven’t